From viewers to superfans: Gottman’s 85% rule changes everything

What makes people click, binge, and stick around?

That’s exactly what we’ll explore in our upcoming Creator Psychology series, and we’re thrilled to have Kenzi on board! She specializes in creating content across blogs, websites, TikTok, YouTube, and more. With her marketing background, she’s diving deep into the why behind what grabs attention and keeps audiences coming back.

Welcome to the new Curious Creators series: fresh, psychology-driven insights to help you understand your audience and craft content they can’t scroll past.

Hey there, Creator!
Thanks for tuning in, and welcome if you're new to this corner of the internet. I never take your time and attention for granted, and I'm grateful you're here.

Smart creators don’t just hit “post,” cross their fingers, and pray the algorithm gods are in a good mood. You’re not just a content machine. You’re a community builder. 

The kind who’s quietly weaving invisible threads of connection, turning followers into fans and fans into something bigger: a real, living, breathing community.

Here’s the twist: what feels like tiny, throwaway moments, like replying to a DM, answering a comment, reacting with the perfect GIF, aren’t small at all. They’re what relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman calls “bids for connection.” 

While Gottman originally studied them in the context of couples and friendships, the same psychology works wonders for creators who want a fiercely loyal audience.

Today, we’ll break down:

According to Gottman, bids are everyday invitations for attention or connection, like:

In relationships, people who respond to these bids with curiosity and empathy tend to build more trust over time.

For creators, bids show up every day: someone replying to your poll, leaving a thoughtful comment, tagging you in a post, or sending a DM. 

It’s your audience’s way of saying: “Hey, I want to be part of your world—do you see me?” 👋

How you respond matters. Gottman says you can:

Turning toward builds what Gottman calls your emotional bank account, which is a stockpile of goodwill, loyalty, and connection. 

Turning away or against is like making repeated withdrawals until the account runs dry. 💸

In Gottman’s research, couples who stayed together responded to 85% of each other’s bids. Couples who split? Just 30%.

Now, you’re probably not married to your audience (though it may feel like it some days), but the math still applies: consistently turning toward your community creates a compounding effect of trust and engagement. 👰‍♀️

Every thoughtful reply = deposit.
Every ignored comment = withdrawal.

Over time, these interactions decide whether you have a casual viewership or a die-hard, can’t-miss-a-post fanbase.

And yes, this has a tangible impact on both your follower count and engagement rates. According to Hootsuite, proactive community engagement earns 1.6 times more engagement than passively-run communities.

So, how do we turn this psychology mumbo-jumbo into real results? Building relationships takes time, but these five actions are a must-have for “turning toward” your followers. 

Don’t let comments sit there collecting dust. 💬 Jump in during the first hour, and skip the canned “Thanks!” in favor of a follow-up question or specific acknowledgment like:

“Love that you caught that! What made that part stand out to you?”

You’re not just answering; you’re inviting another bid.

Start a “fan of the week,” do a community spotlight, or repost a great comment in your Stories. ✨ These little rituals say: “I see you, and you belong here.” Plus, it turns your page into a stage, not just a one-way conversation.

Story polls, “caption this” challenges, “share your weekend win” posts — these aren’t filler. They’re engagement magnets. 🧲 Bonus points if you follow up by sharing the best responses (with permission, of course). 

If you spot a great question in your replies, make it the focus of a post or video, and tag the person who asked it. This shows you’re listening and value their contributions.

Poll your audience on things like your next topic, merch design, or live Q&A times. Even if you can’t take every suggestion, acknowledging them makes people feel heard.

Short 10 to 15-minute live sessions just to say hi, answer one or two questions, or share something behind-the-scenes. There’s no need for a long agenda or script. Just give followers the real-time connection they crave. 🤗

Strong relationships, romantic or otherwise, are built on daily deposits of attention and care. The same goes for your online community.

Every reply, every inside joke, every repost of a fan’s work counts. Over time, you’ll stop having viewers and start having people who root for you.

Your move: Track your “turn-toward” rate this week. Aim to respond thoughtfully to at least 7 out of 10 non-spam comments. Watch what happens, not just in your engagement metrics, but in the way your community starts showing up for you.

As always, hit reply if something in here hits home.

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